This is Dawn's personal blog. The blog name Orchids in Formaldehyde hints of sweetness and darkness in her views. A paradox of perspective that is sometimes confusingly unpredictable.

On Keeping My Mouth Shut

I know, it's weird. After saying I'm an introvert, shy, aloof in my previous posts, I'm finally saying I can't keep my mouth shut. Lol. I must be lying, you might think. Or being ironic. But I am not (for both).

I have been pretty much a doormat all my life. Any one can make me cry. My siblings in their hastiness in eating left me with no viand and I could only cry in response.

Security guards in high school and college won't allow me to enter the gates for various reasons. Even a nun made me cry in high school! O_o It took parents and/or friends to rally up to my defense and to comfort me from such weird yet unfair situations.

It is because of this (being a doormat) that I have developed some anger management issues. I have bottled up a lot of negative emotions for too long. And if you've watched some movies (comedies actually :/) about this, you would know how explosive and intense it could be. Good thing I didn't develop split personalities. :D

I can't control myself sometimes. It's like the feeling that people are choosing me, zoning in on me to exercise their powers. It's totally unfair!

Like the time when I was a super senior in college and the university guard won't let me in because I'm not wearing a uniform and I could see like 75% or the crowd on the field not wearing uniforms. 3-[ Maybe she (they) thinks I look weak or young that's why she (they) thinks she (they) can bully me into anything.

My boyfriend was actually with me then, and he wasn't wearing a uniform. But he got in, just right before me.

I almost ate that guard's head off in my anger.

And of course, I cried all the way to class.

I even remember the date. January 31. It was my birthday.

Well now I don't experience this kind of power tripping as much. SAs and guards in malls would probably welcome me with open arms with the amount of shopping I do every weekend. Hahahaha.

But online I still find some things that could get my blood boiling. I really am trying to stay off them. When it seems that a post on FB is controversial, I really try not to look into it, just to spare my blood pressure and theirs.

But sometimes a stray post/comment/whatever gets in my way without any warning. And that's when I become the Hulk and seek to destroy the negative thing I see.

I know. I can't destroy "negative" things by just stating out opinions. But my Hulk state doesn't seem to understand that.

And my normal shy self hopes that somehow you can make a difference. Even a little.

If you don't tell the person who's littering to stop littering, will he stop?

Yes, if you tell him, there is a chance he'll get angry at you and you get into a discussion/fight, but maybe (just maybe) he might be conscious of it the next time?

Now that's not so bad.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses for my behavior. :D

But I seriously am trying to be more peaceful and amenable, and that I have to accept the fact that there are people who are inconsiderate, rude, undisciplined life isn't always how you expect it to be.

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