This is Dawn's personal blog. The blog name Orchids in Formaldehyde hints of sweetness and darkness in her views. A paradox of perspective that is sometimes confusingly unpredictable.

Depression Bout + What Do I Really Want

I'm definitely crazy. I'm back with a bout of depression that I find I've been having since college.

Why do I feel like crap? Why do I feel so useless? Well, that is because I am. But it's hard to take that I am as good as someone who's uneducated and just roaming around waiting for alms. What's worse is, I think and know that there are uneducated peeps out there who have jobs!

I see people on the streets sometimes and wonder what they have over me that they can get jobs and I can't. Somehow that leads me to the fact that I'm seriously crazy with dozens of phobias and paranoias that hold me back.

Argh! I can't be absolutely useless! I refuse to believe that! But after all these years of not moving forward and not getting anywhere, the thought is starting to sink in deeper and deeper.

I have dreams too, you know. Granted, I am not the type to dream (actually I'm a heavy dreamer) but I'm not the ambitious type, never really was into long-term plans. And I concur that I'm really not a corporate type of person. I'm a free spirit, a nymph, a country girl if you must call it. Being in an office depresses me sorely. I like being under the sun, not that I go under the sun a lot if given the chance since I almost always sleep the day off. lol. But being out to weather sun, wind and storm makes me feel alive.

So what is the problem then? Well, I need to be doing something. Would going the non ordinary way be considered a failure? Seems like those who hold a degree are expected to be going a certain path to be considered successful.

I have dreams of being a laidback backpack traveller, and writing about my travels. It could be architecture related too you know? Depends if I find myself good at looking at structures and assessing them. Or maybe I could incorporate architecture with history and legends, that would be so cool!

I love to write. That is a given fact. Only casually, of course. I don't think I could churn out formal articles on a constant basis. So that rules out other journalism type of jobs I could get into. Blogging on the other hand is so much fun! Not that I can ever post regularly. Hahahaha. There's not much happening with my lousy life to make a story of.

Well, on a weirder note, I was also thinking that if I've started a family I don't think I can handle being a working mom. :/ (Told you it's weird) But a work-at-home mom sounds really nice to me. :D

Don't worry, nothing's set in stone yet. :D But damn if I don't make sense of my life soon.

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beastinred said...

Ohhh okey I thought I am the only one going through this. I have been depressive lately too. I mean I may have work but I am not happy with it too and I am not happy with the way things are with my life. I even feel like just getting up because I know i need to earn money for my kids.

Like you i also feel like a free spirit. Often times I would even think that I am still not on the right path.

oh well. as for you, don't worry you will figure things out.

hey i miss you. :)

Dawn Doneza said...

I miss you too.

Hmmm maybe we're in that point in our lives that we're starting to question if this is what we really want. When we were younger, we tend to just go do whatever we want, but now we're starting to ask if what we're doing is still right. lol. One thing's for sure, we're getting older. :D

beastinred said...

ugh dont remind me about getting old. i feel pain almost everyday in some part of my body wah!! oh well that's life.

Shayne said...

hey dawn :) i hope you are feeling better now and that you can find time to do the things that you love. reading your post, i feel like you know the things that would make you feel better but you dont have enough time to do them. im also struggling with depression and blogging is one of the ways i use to cope up with it :)

Dawn Doneza said...

lol. You need to rest Jav, you're probably fatigued from overworking. :(

Dawn Doneza said...

Thanks Shayne! Your words are really a comfort. :) It's nice to know there are others who are struggling like me and are trying to cope with it in their own ways. It makes me feel braver to try harder. :)

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